It’s nearly Valentine’s Day, and if you’re looking for gift ideas for that special someone, the president’s oldest, stump-sittingest, meeting with Russians but-only-about-adoptions-havingest son has got you covered:
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Yes! Why bother with the traditional Valentine’s Day gifts of flowers, candy, or a pleasant dinner out with your honey when you can buy them something from TrumpStore.com, with proceeds going directly to the Trump family, a family whose patriarch reminds you—regularly—how wealthy they all are? It would just feel good, right at this particular moment in history, to give this family a little bit of your money.
And whose heart wouldn’t melt at the teddy bear-sized, Trump-branded bathrobe? It recalls a simpler time, a moment exactly one year ago when our president felt the need to send his press secretary out to deny claims that he spends his days watching television in his bathrobe. “I don’t think the President wears a bathrobe,” Sean Spicer (Sean Spicer!) said, “and definitely doesn’t own one.” Spicer apparently knew that Donald Trump didn’t own a bathrobe—definitely a thing a very normal employee would know for sure about his very normal boss—but he could only muster that he didn’t think Donald Trump wore a bathrobe. This raised the tantalizing possibility that Donald Trump may wear someone else’s bathrobe. (Melania’s? Spicer’s? The bear’s?) It also made you have to see a whole bunch of pictures of Donald Trump in a bathrobe every time you looked at your Twitter feed. Delightful!
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It was very normal and cool and if you’re in a situation where roses just won’t cut it this Valentine’s Day, you would definitely want to relive it. But what kind of situation might that be? Is it the kind of thing where you paid six figures to a porn star to hush up about the affair you had with her when your wife had just given birth, and then the story broke anyway? Is it more the sort of deal when you collude with a hostile foreign power to sway an election, and the dime is about to drop, and you might have to leave your wife with the kids for a minute while you serve time in federal prison? Or is it just a general coarsening of American society, emboldening of literal Nazis, and weakening of democratic norms that will take decades to undo? Whichever, that cute-ass bear will probably do the trick.
Elsewhere on TrumpStore.com, you can find pastel quarter-zips, children’s golf attire, and plenty of other things that look like they come from that catalog you get in your mailbox that makes you go “How did I get on this list?”
However you choose to celebrate, and whichever awful thing you have to atone for, it’s going to be a tremendous Valentine’s Day. The best. Many people are saying it.
